My Blog

For anyone out there that doesn’t know I don’t really get along with my mother. And it’s not the fact that i’m gay and she didn’t like that fact about her daughter, not that i’m doing things in my life that she never could so she’s jealous of me over that, not even the fact that the rest of the family loves me & not her.

The simple fact of the matter is she decided that she wanted to go off & be a little whore one more time which was the last time for my father. She’s been with this dude for about 6 years I wanna say, partially because I don’t really care to even try to think of how long. But she basically disowned all of her children, it’s like I want a divorce from everyone in the family.

So anyway the point of me writing this blog was to let people know that I do give second chances, even third’s in my mother’s case.

I decided to call her (after not speaking to her for over 2 yrs)  & of course got her voice mail, anyway I left her a message asking how she was & telling her what i’ve been doing with my life. She sends me a text saying "moms fine, getting married, moving to Virginia in the spring" ok now my thing with this is: Did she have to throw that in my face that she’s going to be getting married again? After all the pain she put my father through for years upon years & then telling all of us that she would never remarry again.

I tell ya like mother like daughter, they both fucking lie, her & Robin, both only care about themselves!

So I sent her a text back saying "Why did you have children if you don’t even care about any of us?" her reply, "My kids are grown I never stopped caring, I never judged you & thanks for your opinion" I texted her back with "You don’t care! You never stayed in contact with any of us" so her with her wise ways told me "Back at you with that one, get tired of being hurt & just make the pain stop by getting on with life, was I supposed to lock myself away & cry" so I only sent her two more text messages stating "Um no I kept trying to know you. But that dude is more important to you than your family!" and lastly "Nice to know that a couple of years is more important to you than 31 years"

My thing is I gave her chance after chance, & all she ever came back at me with is smart assed remarks, it’s like I’m your fucking daughter!!! I don’t know guess i’ll stop trying it’s odvious that’s what she wants.

I continually hold out on a thing called hope, but why bother when the one you gave your heart to for three years wants to constantly lie to you? I’ve caught her in two lies already, so to me you are written off as a liar, don’t even try to tell me your "stories".

I use to love her with everything that I was, but she acts like i’m shit now, & yes some reading this will be pleased that they won the war, have fun ladies I could really give two shits! And no I don’t just mean the girl she constantly goes to see every fucking weekend for the past 6 fucking months, I mean every other bitch that she has come into contact with, go fuck yourselves.

She told me that she didn’t want to be like all my other ex’s, well she is proving otherwise because she’s acting just as they did, with no kind of effort into try to salvage anything that we might have HAD! It’s cool though Rebecca I wish you nothing but the best go enjoy life, do what it is that you plan on doing with your life, just do me one more favor please & forget you ever fucking met me!

Tired of holding my breath only to be gasping for air weeks later. So thrilled you moved on so quickly, so sorry I cared about work way too much!

Guess it’s my time to shine now & go out into the world & see what it has to offer me & if I happen to fuck a few girls along the way so be it! Don’t hate the playa, hate that you can’t be one too!

Fucking jerk me around for the first 3 weeks, is what it did to me.

I applied to be a "driver helper" I got the interview, got the job, went to the orientation…..and well three weeks later FINALLY got my first shift.

Needless to say it was very hot, because you running around. It was only for 2 hours today, but hey getting me use to it I guess. And they aren’t kidding when they call you a driver "helper" it should be more like Driver "do all your damn work for you-er". I had fun though, I worked with a guy named Mike he kept cursing about what shit they gave him to do & was going on about why was certain things on his delivery route.

Now i’m at home relaxing a bit before I get to go to my other job tonight, so I stay busy…..need money, more like I like money too much! Oh well hopefully I will work tomorrow too, more hours I hope.

These are 2 (& 2 partial)  poems i’ve been writing to deal with my recent breakup.

(8/17/06) You said you’d like to try

                 But then came all the lies.

(8/11/06)   Tears have fallen

                  My eyes now swollen

                  Dried up paths

                    from the drops that passed

                   Girls you’ve kissed

                   Including the one’s i’ve missed

                   Holding my sheets so tight

                    knowing what happened

                    will it ever be right?

Those are the partials, still in progress.

               Single is shitty

Being alone

No place to call home

Sex is so rare

Masterbation if you dare

Glimpse into your eyes

Now forever will despise

Did you ever really care?

For all the love that I shared

Curtains drawn closed

All the questions I imposed

Never wanted you to feel neglected

None of the answers you expected

Why is this pain so overwhelming?

Are there still things you didn’t tell me?

And my last poem that isn’t finished:

I’m going insane

Just trying to deal with this pain

Do you care that I constantly cry?

Time as always seems to fly

Wounds unhealed

Contemplateing the hand which was dealed

Nothing seems to make sense

Jumping over every fence

Tangled web woven

The other people you’ve chosen

I tell ya I never thought breaking up would take this much of a toll on me, I’m miserable the majority of the day, & living together with the person makes it hard as well (& no Rebecca i’m not saying that I want either of us to move out!) It’s just tough to see that person everyday still knowing that you are no longer together. To see her go out constantly with a certain person & I know that they are both each just gonna grow closer to one another. I can’t even imagine another woman touching her, just thinking about it right now makes me angry. I’ve been writing a lot of poems lately to try to deal with my feelings. I try to work constantly to just not be home, not like that matters anyway because she’s never home anyway, she’s always out with her "friend." It hurts me terribly to know that it ended the way it did, & I take it as we didn’t even make it to 3 years, because our world together all started to crumble 4 months before our 3rd year anniversary, so basically as far as i’m concerned we were broken up then, because we never really mended things & I guess I couldn’t & still can’t get over my jealousy issues. It’s scary to think that I have to move on & try to trust someone else with my feelings & my sexuality, that for me is the hardest issue to just let go & try to relax & let another person take control of my body.

I have decisions to make: Do I want to go back to my "player" ways & just fuck whoever whenever, is that going to help me with my pain? Do I want to try & let someone new in altogether & try to believe in a thing called love again? Do I want to just keep doing what i’ve been doing & work like crazy & trying to forget what has happened to my world?

I was assigned to work over night last night! And it was for some clothing store at $10/hr. nontaxable. So of course I went to the location that I was familiar with. I even arrived 20 minutes early & noticed there was another guard there from another company, I told him I was supposed to be there til 9 in the morning, he informed me that he was supposed  to be there til 9 in the morning as well, so I told him that I would get it figured out & to just sit tight.

My phone rang & it was manager informing me that I was at the wrong location & that I wasn’t supposed to be at the Williamsville store but the one in Orchard Park. He asked me if the guard that was there could give me directions to the 90 West & he was going on & on about Route 5 & my supervisor heard himin the background "Route 5, why is he talking about that?" I replied "That’s Main street" he said, "I know that, but why is he going on about it?" I told him I didn’t know. So the guard there told me I needed to make a left for the 90 West, so I asked "I’m supposed to make a right out of this plaza right?" he told me yes. My supervisor told me that he would get me directions the rest of the way as long as that guy could get me to the 90West, so I wrote down 90 West to the 219, then take the 2nd Milestrip exit, go about 3 lights make a right onto Orchard Park Road & basically look for a Bob Evans Restaurant, I informed him I’m not like other women I don’t go by landmarks & to give me an exact address because that would help a lot in this case, he told me he didn’t know the address I told him "Great i’m fucked then, cuz that aint helpin"

So I went along my marry little way, never seen a 90 West, I did see a 90 South along my travels. Needless to say I ended up in Clarence, decided to call my manager told him where I was, he asked me what address I was at I told him 11470, he asked if the numbers where going up or down & before I could answer him my phone hung up because I lost signal, so I knew I was not heading the right way. It was so dark out, there where no street lights on the road I was on. I figured "Great this asshole guard from thatlocation has me heading straight to hell!" I was on Main street but still heading the wrong way, made a U-turn, drove back to civilization, not much civilization because of course it was so late out that nothing was opened so I couldn’t ask for directions even if I wanted to.

But I did remember my supervisor mentioning Transit Road so I found that & was driving down it, called him & told him where I was & he asked what I had passed I told him Geneesee, & he asked "Where are you going?" I replied, "Heading home, oh there goes Walden Avenue" he told me to make a right onto Walden, I tunred into a Penske & headed in the direction he wanted me to, I told him that it would be my last attempt on finding the place & that if I didn’t find it this time that I would definately be going home & just call off!

So i’m drinving along the Thurway which was very foggy so the only time I could attempt to read the signs was right as I was passing under them, never got to the 219, was still driving down the  90West, & was thinking "Well there is a Milestrip exit, but there is only one, & he wanted me to get off at the 2nd Milestrip exit. Needless to say I ended up in Angola, asked the tollbooth dude if I could turn right back around & head back to Buffalo,  he said "Sure" So yeah I ended up just going home & calling off from my shift highly pissed at missing out on that money. The thing that upset me the most was not missing out on the money & yes those that know me, know I love money. not the fact that they didn’t give me an address to work with, it was the simple fact that even if I did eventually make it there I was going to be late & i’m never late for anything!

So I was at work today & the day was going rather well; then this lady decides to come in and start telling me about how there was a car outside with the door wide open. She proceeded to tell me the licence plate number. I just looked at her and said "Well I guess that means free car for the day" she didn’t find me amusing in the least. She stomped off, not liking that I wasn’t going to do anything about the situation.

Well about ten minutes go by and the store supervisor decides to come up to me and ask, "What did you say to the lady that was telling you about the car?" I replied, "I guess it’s a car give away" he looked at me and said, "No, no, no, that is not how you respond to a customer" I then said to him, "No, no, no, you aren’t my boss so get the fuck out my face!" I was pissed as hell after all that!

So I was trying to call MY real supervisor and get some answers from him, he wouldn’t answer so on the third time calling him I left a voice mail for him to call me back that it was a situation at work and that I needed him to call back asap. So then I texted him "Call me please"

While I was on my break he gave me a call, I explained what had happened, he asked me where was the car parked, I told him in the fire lane, so we both knew that with it being illegally parked and with it being outside it had nothing to do with me!!! So I loved hearing what I had already known.

I just love knowing shit that I already knew, so it pleased me to hear my supervisor tell me that. The real thing that makes my day everytime one of the stupid ass managers of any site I work at tries to say shit to me, I talk all kinds of shit to them because they have no say to me whatsoever!

Well for my straight friends who had hope, I appologize early, but I did not convert! For those of you in the dark I will explain I went out on a date with a guy yesterday to go see the movie Saw 3, which of course was awesome as fuck! Anyhow the movie was all later in the day. I got up in the morning (this was all yesterday) & got to my sisters house to take Malik to the doctors to check on his ear, because he was having "weird noises" in his ear as he phrases it. Well they discovered that the one tube in his ear never feel out & it will eventually, but also stated the fact that he does indeed have an ear infection. Went to the office to pick up my check & well I think the girl there has a slight crush on me, she always goes out of her way to help me. My little nephew thought she was cute. You can always tell when a little boy likes a girl they get all shy. So then we left (me, my sister & her son) drove along our marry little way when out of absolutely nowhere we see a lady trying to control her dog, her outfit caught my eye more than anything! The crotch of her shorts (yeah shorts in that cold ass weather) were stretched all to hell you could see what color panties she had on (black for those that really care). But then I briefly caught something out of the corner of my eye & right as I looked over my sister screams out "Ohhhhh hell no she ain’t got no naked ass baby outside!" Yes folks yes she did!!!! The baby was clinging to her leg because she had another baby in her right arm and her left arm had it’s attention focused on that damn dog trying to get out into the middle of the street. So I got to the bank, got my money. Decided to call the car guy (yeah the one who falsely repossed it) to see if I could bring my payment in, as I always do on time. He told me to come in tomorrow, I said even better it’s on my way to work. He tells me to call him before I bring it in, I said I always do. Anyhow today rolls around & just as I said i’d do I called him & he informs me that he no longer works there. How fucking justifiable did I feel at that moment? It was like "Justice is served" I fucking laughed to myself. He continued on by saying "Heather I would like you to call me back in a couple of days & for us to meet up because I would like to explain things to you" I was like "yeah ok." (NOT gonna happen!) So he says that I should just mail in a money order & I asked doesn’t it just go to the same place, as he is trying to give me the address, I see that it is the same fucking place. I interrupted his chatter by saying "I want to just bring it in like I always do", he says, "No problem, but do my one favor & don’t mention my name, just act like you never knew me." I said "Not a problem" & hung the phone up. Boy I tell ya kids the moral of this story is that good things do indeed come to those who wait!!!

Well for those that are in the dark i’m single!!! It fucking sucks to just sit there & see the one that you loved for 3 fucking years move on & be with someone else. It feels like she gets joy & pleasure out of throwing that shit in my face! This shit all started 5 months ago & yes it is mostly her fault, the only say i had in this whole ordeal was finally standing up & getting my self respect back & saying “I’m done”.

And yet i’m supposed to keep playing dumb & think that all these “sleep overs” are harmless. Comeon who the fuck thinks that logical sounding??? I use to love this woman with all that i was, but she just simply threw me away in the trash. The only thing i can do for her is pay bills! You know don’t even ask out of the past 4 months how many times we’ve had sex with one another,cuz that was totally nonexistant. And i know she will read this & think yet again “is that what this is about?” No Rebecca, it’s way more than that! It’s you throwing her in my face all the time, it’s you flaunting around like everything is just ah-okay.

I am so fucking miserable ALL the time, i go to work all depressed & shit, i have to hear people all night long “Are you ok?” or “Are you sick?” Yeah i’m sick all right, i had my heart ripped out! I cry every fucking night! I write letters, poems. Nothing seems to be getting me out of this slump.

Oh well not that it matters, but i hope you are happy Rebecca & i hope you’re happy too Erin,& who ever the fuck else wanted this shit to happen! Have a great fucking life together!

It’s always fun when you wake up in the morning to find your car missing!!!

So of course I tried to report it stolen & the police inform me that it was called in to be repossed,& i looked at him & said “There is no reason for it!” he could care less about what i had to say so i stormed back in the house.

Decided i wanted to call & leave the guy i got the car from a nasty message on his phone at 1:30 in the morning. Then i went off to bed & got up at 10:30 & called car dude back he informs me there was a mistake, i replied “NO SHIT” so he told me that it would be straightened out, i said “good thing i have to work today” then he had the nerve to ask when, i said don’t worry about it, & he persisted on asking when so i told him “Well what if i had to be to work right now, what the fuck are you going to do for me?” of course he had nothing else to say after that so i hung the phoneup on him.

Called back at 12:30 insisted that my car better be back in front of my house within the hour or else i was going to take action! He tells me don’t worry it will get figured out, i asked him “why did this all happen anyway? I’m not looking to screw you over, i’m a volunteer police officer,why would i keep your money from you?” he continued to stammer on his words, “don’t worry it will get figured out”

Called back at 3:30 “Car still isn’t outside” he told me to call back in an hour & he would definately have an answer for me, i hung up & decided to call the place where i thought my car was taken to, a guy answers the phone, “Is my car there?” “What’s your name?” “Heather Moore, is my car there?” “Oh just a minute” another guy gets on the phone “Hello can i hel….” I interrupted him “Is my fucking car there?” he says,”Who is this?” I told him “Heather Moore ‘96 Grand Am Green” he says “Oh yeah it’s here” I said “Good i’m coming to get it, cuz i’m tired of waiting for that asshole!” he asks “Who?” I told him the guy i bought the car from.

Called back at 4:30 i asked “What the fuck is going on?” he told me “Oh you can go get your car!” I yelled at him “So let me get this straight, you had someone come steal my car last night, & i’m the one who has to come get it?” I continued by saying, “Who am i taking to small claims court for all this shit?” He told me, “Oh calm down Heather i will get you the best steak dinner you ever had!” he continues on….”I will get you & Jennifer the best steak dinner in town” I asked “Who the fuck is Jennifer?” he says “Your girlfriend!” I informed him “Her name is Rebecca!!!” & hung the phone up on him.

So needless to say i took a bus & walked 45 minutes to go get my fucking car & drive it back home to change for work & leave right back out the door for work.